Monday, December 22, 2003
On 24th, K will come back.
I don't seem to care. I think for this time, I am really frustrated with him. At an age of 24, he does not seem to know how to take care of himself. No signs of independence, and no signs of responsibility. I think oversea studies has marred some of his good points.
I truely do not want to see him, and I feel nothing much for M, and parents. I mean I do not feel so intense and uptight now. Though I am constantly disappointed by Mom's doing.
I realise I have been leaning on my parents too much, esp on money matters.
I have lack of responsibility, and my passion almost extiguish entirely. This is so dangerous, thats why I want my mom to move back to JB asap. But how can I request this. This will make them real sad. I am frustrated at myself, but I do not want to make them sad anymore.
I truely feel forsaken, but its okay. Its all part of growing up. They can't realise that by taking too much care of me for past 27 years, I fail to grow up into a fully matured man. I need to break the chain of inheriting bad traits or family culture. By that, I have almost severe my ties with Dad. Now things are not cleanly cut of, and this is annoying. I cannot go forward, and of course I will not lean back again.
WHat will happen to me... My passion is lost, and once that extiguish, that will probably mark my end. Perhaps I should ask Mom to move out by cny...
Sigh... I am a bastard son and brother. Fiak!
I don't seem to care. I think for this time, I am really frustrated with him. At an age of 24, he does not seem to know how to take care of himself. No signs of independence, and no signs of responsibility. I think oversea studies has marred some of his good points.
I truely do not want to see him, and I feel nothing much for M, and parents. I mean I do not feel so intense and uptight now. Though I am constantly disappointed by Mom's doing.
I realise I have been leaning on my parents too much, esp on money matters.
I have lack of responsibility, and my passion almost extiguish entirely. This is so dangerous, thats why I want my mom to move back to JB asap. But how can I request this. This will make them real sad. I am frustrated at myself, but I do not want to make them sad anymore.
I truely feel forsaken, but its okay. Its all part of growing up. They can't realise that by taking too much care of me for past 27 years, I fail to grow up into a fully matured man. I need to break the chain of inheriting bad traits or family culture. By that, I have almost severe my ties with Dad. Now things are not cleanly cut of, and this is annoying. I cannot go forward, and of course I will not lean back again.
WHat will happen to me... My passion is lost, and once that extiguish, that will probably mark my end. Perhaps I should ask Mom to move out by cny...
Sigh... I am a bastard son and brother. Fiak!
Saturday, October 11, 2003
So mum has finally break the news to me, after all has been discussed and decided within the family (excluding me of course). She will move to Senai permanently after CNY next year.
Should I feel sad? Should I feel lost? Should I be disappointed?
I bought this flat in hope to build a nest for the entire family. Now situation deterioriate so soon and evetually ... sigh. Perhaps, its is good for the family, excluding me of course. They will habe more harmony in their daily life, less arguments, less upsetting without me. They detest and disagree to everthing I did, and they will continue to do so in future. So exclude me from the family, and that will be good. I am a tumour...
May be I should ask mum to move out earlier...
I hope things will get better in future. I hope Dad and Mum will live well together. SOmehow I feel this is another milestone to a worse future. I hope thier marriage won't break...
I will start to get more involve in Buddhist/Charity works to salvage the family from Karma.
Just another low day...
May be one day, I will just jump off from the flat, 15 floors above ground. I will probably do that after making more contrinutions to the society, or it will indeed be a waste of 28 years of living. My poor baby will be a widoer then... But it is just too painful for me to live on.
Should I feel sad? Should I feel lost? Should I be disappointed?
I bought this flat in hope to build a nest for the entire family. Now situation deterioriate so soon and evetually ... sigh. Perhaps, its is good for the family, excluding me of course. They will habe more harmony in their daily life, less arguments, less upsetting without me. They detest and disagree to everthing I did, and they will continue to do so in future. So exclude me from the family, and that will be good. I am a tumour...
May be I should ask mum to move out earlier...
I hope things will get better in future. I hope Dad and Mum will live well together. SOmehow I feel this is another milestone to a worse future. I hope thier marriage won't break...
I will start to get more involve in Buddhist/Charity works to salvage the family from Karma.
Just another low day...
May be one day, I will just jump off from the flat, 15 floors above ground. I will probably do that after making more contrinutions to the society, or it will indeed be a waste of 28 years of living. My poor baby will be a widoer then... But it is just too painful for me to live on.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Blame it on the rainy season, a convenient excuse for not jogging in the past 3 weeks. On one evening, I happen to see a jogger downstair stedily cruising thru the wet slippery floor. What a tight slap I felt at that moment! Stop dreaming, go run! And so back to my usual run.
Till yesterday, I promise to cover at least 10km per week. Thats about 15 lapse per week. Does not matter how fast I can run, so no need for watch. Just enjoy it, and listen to my body.
It is important to love what you do. Yes, you manage to do so at every occasion. BUT, as you progress on, self-imposed targets and constraints begin to take control so as to reach for greater (or simply too great) height you wished for. This is insane! This is your my own passion! Enjoyments turn into sheer torments! Goodness gracious, isn't this putting a cage over yourself?
This mindset is a bad trait and must be rid of.
What you should really do is: one small step at a time, don't too far ahead. The long term goal will steer your direction, but should not overwhelm you with "monstrous" benchmarks. In this way, you will enjoy more achievemnt on more milestones and preserve your energy marathon ahead. Stop panting heavily under a big load at early stage, and eventually .... lead to stillbirth.
One small step at a time, boy.
Till yesterday, I promise to cover at least 10km per week. Thats about 15 lapse per week. Does not matter how fast I can run, so no need for watch. Just enjoy it, and listen to my body.
It is important to love what you do. Yes, you manage to do so at every occasion. BUT, as you progress on, self-imposed targets and constraints begin to take control so as to reach for greater (or simply too great) height you wished for. This is insane! This is your my own passion! Enjoyments turn into sheer torments! Goodness gracious, isn't this putting a cage over yourself?
This mindset is a bad trait and must be rid of.
What you should really do is: one small step at a time, don't too far ahead. The long term goal will steer your direction, but should not overwhelm you with "monstrous" benchmarks. In this way, you will enjoy more achievemnt on more milestones and preserve your energy marathon ahead. Stop panting heavily under a big load at early stage, and eventually .... lead to stillbirth.
One small step at a time, boy.
Friday, September 26, 2003
I have been wondering recently on what kind of person I am.
Words I used to described myself are Lack of seriousness, irresponsible, unorganizsed...
Sigh... Before 16 years old, I never thought I have any blackspots. As age grows, more and more appears. This is demoralizing.
I start up a business in order to fufill my dream. However, dream seems to change now. What do I want?
Words I used to described myself are Lack of seriousness, irresponsible, unorganizsed...
Sigh... Before 16 years old, I never thought I have any blackspots. As age grows, more and more appears. This is demoralizing.
I start up a business in order to fufill my dream. However, dream seems to change now. What do I want?
